Who am I?

Depression can be very soul breaking. It can lead too many people to attempt suicide. Some win – they die. For many others, depression can be moving inside yourself, shutting the doors against people, staying inside your home and inside your self. Both happened to me. So who am I?

Yesterday I read an article about Nikki Gemmell, how she didn't understand what her mother did. Elayn Gemmell committed suicide in 2015. “She simply sat down in her lounge, took overdoses of prescriptions and washed them down with Irish Bailey.” Nikki told about her pain in ABC's Australian Story last night. I knew exactly what Elayn suffered.

So who am I?

I've changed in 5 years. I lost my grandkids in 2012, lost my husband in 2013, found out about my brain aneurysm in July 2013, ended up in hospital in April 2014, and have “lived” very differently since then. I don't like my life. 

I don't like that I have been through what I consider evil. Far too much. I loved Scarborough but I couldn't deal with 'it'. I moved up to Noosa. I couldn't deal with 'it' up there. I moved again. I couldn't even deal with 'it' when I was at Bethania. Far too much evil for me. I attempted suicide. Too many stories inside me.

I don't like that I have lost too many friends. I live now in a tired, worn out suburb, just me and Jordie, a lonely, shut-in life. People no longer come to visit me. My story is inside me.

I don't like that my body is feeling far too older than I really am. I've put on weight; my right eye is red, full of blood; my back caused me pain a few days ago. Just about every second day I pluck some wiry hairs from my chin – I never grew them, where are they coming from?? 

My story is inside me.

Finding out the Nikki Gemmell story made me stop and think. These days I feel very much alone, and I only have two things that I do which really lift me – I go to Mylestones and I go to SOHK.

Mylestones is an employment group which contracts to Centrelink. At the start I had no positive thoughts – I'd been previously mis-treated by Max and Help – but Mylestones, which is run by CPL, has proven to be an excellent “friend” for me. I was introduced to Natalie, who I now see is a sort of “carer”. I'm not expected to have to do anything except sit and talk to her. She's very well trained, she doesn't make me feel that I'm being “questioned”. I find out that Mylestones will pay for my re-joining SIA (Safety Institute of Australia – I used to be an WHS adviser), will pay for my gap exam for RABQSA (I'm an auditor). Pay for some clothing for an interview. And pay for my haircut. I've got one coming up, 30 March, at a salon I used to go to 3 years ago. And Natalie, at Mylestones, looks for work. I am not required to sit and ring, when I couldn't even do that! I'm feeling excited!

And School of Hard Knock? I think I mentioned this group earlier. I belong to their choir – Absolutely Everybody – and to their percussion jam group, Streetbeat. SOHK works from South Bank, so it's a long way away from me. I take the express train – only 5 station stops - to get there, walk from the station, and even when I don't feel good I won't miss those rehearsals.

So now, just who am I?

I have other stuff I'm doing or have checked up on. I've meeting a psychologist called Emotional Balance, in Waterford. My doctor sent me there due to my attempted suicide. It keeps me thinking. I joined SPA (Suicide Prevention Australia) – so far I haven't heard from them but I wanted to be a volunteer speaker. This remains to be seen. I have looked through NDIS to see if I qualify for that, but Brisbane isn't set up until 2018. And I found another choir in Beenleigh called Mixed Beans. I've been there once but can't make it this week. Maybe I'll go again.

Yesterday it was raining outside. I sat in my lounge and blankly watched TV, or laid on my bed and thought. This morning I will go to the gym. I need to, haven't been there over a week. I have walked the treadmill at around 6 for 35 minutes. I think I need to do 60 minutes. Will I ever? My challenge!

Today I'm driving up north. I'll drop Jordie at my daughter's home, carry on to Redcfliffe where the Harmony Day is happening, even if it is raining. I am playing with the Streetbeat group up there. I need to be there. My challenge!

I know I'll be in front of 'self' for now. I know I'll fall behind again in the near future. Last night I watched the program about Elayn Gemmell. I felt how she felt, but I don't think Nikki knew or understood. It's like me. She looks at it differently now.

Who am I?