Beyond... what?

Suffering depression is not a game. I went into Beyond Blue to find out how this website could help me, and I became very frustrated with getting on to the site. In the end it told me I was successful, but I needed to confirm a reply to their email to get membership, and I then had to login and “chat” on the forum line. That threw me out completely. I shut my internet down, far less than happy with Beyond Blue than I had been for such a long time. I had never needed to contact then or join them before now, and the stress to join just blew me over. I realised later, when I looked at it again, that it was very good and explained so much about depression. 

I wonder how many people with real depression feel the same way that I did? Do they feel that they can’t really get any support from somewhere like this place, even though the publicity about it always seemed good? How many people do you know who has tried or will try suicide – and does it work? I decided to turn back on and have a look.

I looked at PsychCentral website where they talked about “10 Good Things About Depression”. Right at the start that didn’t strike me as real, because “depression” is not a “chat thing”.

I found depression ReachOut.com which, I thought, seemed like Beyond Blue and was mostly written for young people – those under 25.

The next one, Psychology Today, talked a wee bit about How to Fight Depression and Anxiety. This sounded strange to me, because anxiety is a different level than depression. Many sites look at just general everyday depression. That isn’t mine.

I found a UK website which, for me, did something at my own level. Clinical Depression UK described depression in a way that I could understand it:

“To understand clinical depression, it is essential to understand that people don't reflect reality (events, other peoples' comments etc.) so much as interpret it. The same event can have completely different meanings to different people, even if their circumstances are the same. Depression is partly maintained by how we interpret reality. The 'spin' we put on things. Knowledge about how this happens can turn lives around.”

I had never heard the description like this, but this was so much like what I had tried to explain to other people, and felt I had flopped.

So I went back into Beyond Blue, this time not looking at stories written by so many young people, or people over 80 who sound so good, but looking at the Types of Depression which talked about major depression disorder, clinical depression, unipolar depression or, simply, depression. The webpage had a picture of a woman just a little bit older than me, maybe, but I felt, at last, I had found someone my own age who had depression maybe like I did.

I’m just starting with this. I have never really understood depression, I never thought it would take me over, drag me down and cause me so many problems. I think I used to be ‘strong’ but now I know that I am not. I had a life change more than two years ago, when I was separated by my husband, lost my job for a reason I have never understood, fought that, ended up in PA Hospital for my brain aneurysm operation and had a stroke, have moved twice, and live entirely alone. I am broke for the first time in my life, on an income I can never rely on, have lost things that I used to count on. Like my APVC which I was paying for so I could go on holidays, but lost it because I couldn’t afford it. Like my NZ life insurance which I had to cancel because I can’t pay it. And I had to cancel some small sponsorships which I’d had which kept me feeling good. I still have more to lose. I have felt useless when other people have taken me out because I couldn’t afford to pay for myself. I have felt useless when other people don’t think I really have a problem. I have felt useless when I know I can’t get a job – a real job.

Sometimes I feel good when I come back up, but I can once again be shot down just with another letter which takes something else from me – not that they try, but they don’t know I can’t afford whatever they are telling me I owe. Like today: my car is my lifeline, but I got a letter about registration and I know I can’t afford it. What will happen when I can’t pay it? Do I cancel my insurance for both my car and my contents so I can get just a little bit money to pay for something like the registration? What happens if I have an accident and my car isn’t insured? Or do I just park it up and not use it again? If it is parked up because I can’t pay the registration, what use is the insurance? And what use is the contents insurance? How much do I own, really?

I had fought for so many years for myself, for my children, for my husband, and I enjoyed it. I had felt good, I had felt strong, I had loved my life for the past 25 years, since I had divorced my first husband. I had ended up bankrupt because of him but I lived very close to my family and could just pop in to Mum and Dad for some support. Which I always got. And I worked. Now this is not my life.

I now don’t believe that I have made up a story to support myself. A strong person can only take so much that they fight against, and I have to think I am not the only past-strong person. I have met quite a few people since I moved to Redcliffe area, those with disability which happened to them because of their stroke, and yet I don’t know anyone with disabilities who live alone, without people who care about them. Perhaps they really exist, but how do I find them? And would that help me?

Yesterday I wrote an admission that I have depression. Writing this today about finding out more information has helped me to stay sane, but I don’t know if I will still be alright tomorrow, or the next day.

I just have to try, if I really want to stay alive.